One of the definitions of Tantra is to turn poison into nectar. What this means is that we reveal God where it was not- we embrace the raw energy of all human experience as being divine. Practically, this means that we must touch what we judge and hate about ourselves with acceptance and compassion.

My greatest karmic lesson has been to learn to love myself. They say that self-love is everyone’s lesson, but I’ve seen cases where self-hatred is more extreme than average. Self-hatred can cause serious mental and physical imbalances. Energetically, self-hatred can cause you to be attracted (even sexually attracted) to people who will reaffirm this identity of self-hatred. You may be attracted to people who are fundamentally abusive, or who constantly undermine you. In my life, I have dealt with autoimmune disease, cancer, bulimia, hypothyroidism, and abuse. I am happy and grateful to say that I am free of all of those things today. I’m going to explain in detail the key that set me free.

I began struggling with an eating disorder when I was 18 years old. A girl taught me a “trick” of how to get rid of food after eating, and after years of not allowing myself to enjoy carbs, this “trick” seemed like a liberating idea. The trick was to binge and purge- either by doing copious amounts of exercise, or forcing the food back up. This became extremely addicting, because when you restrict anything, the brain becomes obsessed with it. I hadn’t eaten pasta or bread or sugar in years, and so having the opportunity to binge on sugar was my inner rebel saying “FUCK YOU” to the conditioning that told me that I can’t have what I want if I want to be loved.

The addiction spiraled out of control. It began running every second of my day. I wasn’t allowing myself to keep anything inside, and so my starving brain obsessively thought about food to actually save my life. I feel so much compassion for my body and brain when I remember this; that the “binging” was a natural response to starvation- and that the body wants to be healthy and vital, and so it does its best to keep us alive, sometimes by causing us to crave things that our mind calls “unhealthy” because the body knows that we have a deficiency and that it can extract what it needs from many kinds of food.

Eight years later, I was diagnosed with two types of thyroid cancer. Part of me was relieved because I thought “Oh good, now that I have this scare, it’ll motivate me to stop hurting myself.” At that point I had tried EVERYTHING to stop the behavior, but I just couldn’t stop. I wanted to heal, and I was so exhausted and disgusted by the cycle, but I couldn’t extricate myself from the vibrational bandwidth that keeps addiction alive- which is powerlessness, shame, guilt, self-hatred, rinse, repeat.

A couple of weeks after going through cancer treatment, I moved to Brazil and carried on with my life. I was in law school and newly married. When I was in the hospital my soul told me that I had created the entire illness to be seen and cared for, and I made a deep internal decision to stop trying to get attention from being sick. I thought that the healing crisis was the reset that I needed to set me on a more self-loving path, but a few months after arriving in Brazil, the eating disorder cycle started again. I couldn’t believe that after two radical neck dissections and radiation, that I would even dream about harming myself again.

This was so shameful to me. I thought “Wow, I am the lowest of the low. Not even cancer can get me to stop being bulimic.” It was this exact internalized cruelty that kept the cycle going, and it also kept attracting abuse in my life. People who attract narcissistic people in their lives have internalized narcissists. This means that one part of you (your mental self) brutally abuses another part of you (your emotional self.) Seeing the holographic nature of reality and how it plays out in our personal lives blows my mind. What we are attracted to and willing to tolerate is an EXACT outpicturing of our internal landscape.

In 2016 I had a dramatic Kundalini awakening that blasted open my crown chakra. A couple of years later as Kundalini drilled its way back down into my heart, I had another spiritual awakening. It was a tantric awakening. Here I was, post-cancer, post-Kundalini awakening, knowing who I truly am and that everything is the divine and feeling bliss every single day, and yet I was still binging and purging. How could the gap between my true nature and my ego be so wide? I thought the Kundalini awakening of the crown chakra should have healed the bulimia, but as I’ve come to know unequivocally, the heart is the one and only healer.

So here’s how tantra saved my life; here’s the nitty-gritty reality of how I climbed out of a black hole of self-hatred and into self-acceptance, self-respect, and self-love. I noticed that after I would purge, I would spiral into extreme shame. All of the following thoughts would cycle through my mind: “I am so disgusting, I am so low, I am so pathetic, I am not worth saving, I can’t do anything, I have no value, I am so ugly, I am so pathetic.”

My soul gently suggested that in the moments where I felt the most shame, to infuse that moment with acceptance and compassion. So I’d be in bed, with my glands swollen from throwing up and my stomach hurting, and I’d put my hands on myself and exhale love into my body.

The next opportunity to love myself was during a binge, where I could feel that I was going to finish an entire bag of chips, and where I’d usually judge myself, I paused and felt my heart and accepted the discomfort in my stomach of keeping it down, and I held myself like I would hold a child. This is the process of turning poison into nectar. It is bringing love into what our minds judge as the most despicable, unacceptable places, and embracing all experience as divine.

I stayed with this practice intensely, of refusing to allow the inner bully to beat me down. I introduced the energy of my heart to every single experience in my life, and I continue to do so today.

No matter what is going on in your life, whether you feel stuck in an addiction, or you aren’t proud of where you are in life, this one single practice will help you. If you are struggling financially, embrace it with compassion. If you don’t own a house or have children, or whatever your mind uses as a reason to be cruel to you, just infuse the shame with acceptance and compassion. The inner bully can find any excuse to shape-shift and come back in a different area of your life. Be aware of this and continuously choose compassion and acceptance.

Tantra is usually associated with sexuality and sexual practices, but it is so much more than that. It is infusing love into every place that it has been forgotten. The way that Tantra came to me was organically through the wisdom of my soul, in its instruction to me to touch every single thought, feeling, and life situation with compassion and acceptance.

When you truly embrace an emotion or a life situation, it dissolves. If you think you are embracing your emotions or life situation but they don’t resolve, then see if you can feel your heart and go deeply into the FEELING of compassion. Put your hands on your heart. Lovingly refuse to allow the mental self to judge the emotional self. Lovingly refuse to allow the mental self to judge your life, or compare itself to others. This mystical marriage of love and discipline is the key to liberating yourself. When the male and female come together, they create life, when they are fighting, they create destruction.

The heart unites the mental and emotional bodies. In order to heal ourselves with our hearts, we must be meditatively aware of when we need to infuse a moment with love. It could be when the mental self is being cruel; it could also be when the emotional self is being loud. Take any internal imbalance as a cue to pause and ACCEPT TOTALLY whatever it is that you are experiencing, inhale into your heart, and exhale the love into your nerves.

As I chose to love myself in the most painful places, I started to notice that while I meditated, my hands became very hot. I meditate with my hands in a mudra on my thighs, and when I lift my hands, I see a strong imprint of the energy running through my hands. The hand print is in the shape of my bones, indicating that the energy is coming from my bones. To me what this means is that when we alchemize our wounds, that same energy is repurposed into vitality and healing power. When we find stagnant energy and bring a loving awareness to it, it transforms.

This means that “loving what is” MUST include your personal hell. If your personal hell was like mine, if it includes being sick and feeling trapped in an addiction, then that’s where love and acceptance is needed. If your personal hell is that you don’t have the money or freedom that you desire right now, then that is where love is needed. ALL life is divine- every step in your soul’s journey is perfect, and holy. Everything- from puking in the toilet to a kundalini awakening.

Scan your life and find where your inner bully is still beating you down. Is it judging your life situation? Is it judging your appearance? Can you go into that shame? Can you accept that you’re perfect?

When my crown chakra blasted open, I felt first-hand the intense love of God. God literally sees no flaws- it is deeply aware of you as an individual, and as in awe of your beauty and perfection. It loves your least favorite politician as much as it loves a child. It IS LOVE. YOU ARE LOVE. Your mental self just has you in a trance where you have temporarily forgotten this truth. Seeing your personal hell as divine perfection and feeling acceptance and love for every part of your journey will bring you home.

Through the alchemy of acceptance and love, we can truly turn poison into nectar. We can turn shame into bliss. In order to do this, we have to stop running from our experience. We have to go IN and go DEEP- and not flinch. People spend lifetimes running away from sensations- from the heaviness of grief, or the discomfort of shame. Your relationship to discomfort determines your destiny. If you choose to face your pain and exhale your soul into it, you will one by one dissolve every belief that is throwing you out of the bliss of the present moment.

<3

I want to begin by saying that I was probably one of the most dysregulated people I’ve ever known. I had unhealthy empathy- I would blend with my environment and not be able to tell the difference between my own body and other peoples’ bodies. I would walk into a room and instantaneously feel all of the bodily pain that others in the room were experiencing. This was quite a mind fuck and it took a herculean effort to unravel and heal.

Before I was born there were two murders in my family, and my dad raised me to be very afraid of life. The poor guy lost two people to violence in one year, I don’t blame him. My solution to being surrounded by so much fear was to completely leave my body, and I wouldn’t come back down to earth until I was about 36 years old. The way that I finally got back into my body, and consciously incarnated into this life, was by opening my heart.

In 2016 I had an intense kundalini awakening. I experienced something called the cracking of the cosmic egg. I was instantly made aware of who I really am, and what life really is- which is essentially orgasmic, intelligent, aware love. It took about 9 years to integrate that experience into my life. Here’s what I remember that helped me the most:

In buddhism there are three levels of awakening: The mind, the heart, and the gut. For a couple of years after that awakening I would say my mind was blown wide open. I had thousands of mystical experiences and I understood the workings of the universe without ever having read a book about those things. I was constantly downloading profound insights about the way certain universal laws work, and I was shown many of my past lives. I became very psychic and aware of the other side, and I could be in many places at once- not exactly bilocation, but I experienced myself occupying multiple realities at once- almost like multiple lifetimes at once.

At some point I stumbled upon a beautiful teacher named Adyashanti. He was the one that pointed out the three levels of awakening, and what each level feels like. He gave practices that helped me anchor the awakened state into my heart- one of which was to simply feel my heart chakra all day long. When my awareness wanted to go back up into my head, I would gently guide it back down to the heart. When I drove, when I walked, when I meditated, when I rested, I would rest my awareness in my heart. You can put a timer on your phone and check in with yourself and continuously direct your awareness into your heart. You might find some pain, grief, and sorrow there- just be present with all of it and you will be fine.

Practically speaking, what this does is that it moves your point of awareness out of the “separate self” which is the mental self, and into the quantum self, the seat of which is in the heart chakra. The root chakra vibrates at the speed of matter, the second chakra vibrates at the speed of sound, the solar plexus vibrates at the speed of thought, and the heart chakra vibrates at the frequency of the quantum field.

By putting our awareness in the quantum field, via the heart, we are learning to trust the unknown, to trust the goodness of God and the unfolding of our lives, and to have compassion for ourselves first and consequently for all beings. In order to stay seated in this chakra, we must forgive our past, which means that we accept that it was exactly what we needed to discard our limited identities such as low self-worth and powerlessness. If we still have resentment, hatred, or blame for anything or anyone in our life, we our not vibrating in the energy of the heart chakra. It is important to take an inventory of our lives and ask ourselves if we are still holding any grievances, and if you want to open your heart, feel compassion for everyone who has hurt you, and pray that they find love, success, and fulfillment in their lives. If you sincerely love someone who has hurt you, you’ve basically won the game of life- you’ve managed to be like God in a world that can fool you to be hateful.

In life, we get what we want. Most of us have scattered desires and attention, not to mention we also have subconscious desires that cause chaos in our lives. The yogis always said to be one-pointed in our desires. We must desire love, compassion, and oneness with God more than anything else if we want to rest there as soon as possible.

I was highly motivated to have my head sink into my heart, because my ego was comprised of a lot of fear, self-hatred, anxiety, and doubt- all of which culminated in several illnesses and abusive relationships. My electromagnetic field was creating a lot of suffering in my life, and I was determined to change my frequency.

The speed at which you achieve resting in the heart is directly related to the strength of your desire. You don’t need misfortune in your life to motivate you to desire oneness with God, you can proactively choose it if your inner wisdom recognizes the value of being one-pointed in your desire to feel safe in the unknown- in the quantum field, and outside of the known, predictable future.

In a nutshell, here is the formula for opening your heart:

1. A burning desire to do so- that will naturally guide you to do the practices that will work for you

   1. I recommend simply resting your awareness in the heart chakra ALL DAY LONG. Breathe from this chakra, look at others from this chakra, speak from this chakra, and look at yourself through this chakra.

2. Living correctly from this chakra means to forgive both ourselves and others by realizing that everything is orchestrated for our good- it is so essential that we not dwell on mistakes or regrets. Harshness brings us out of alignment with God- God is unconditionally loving and gentle and merciful- when you are harsh with yourself, you are not vibrating in the frequency of your divine self.

   1. Practically this means that we must be unconditionally compassionate with our emotions, our physical bodies, and with our minds. When you have an old habit come up that you’d like to change, just feel your heart and have compassion for your old self. Then, you’ve changed. You’ve become loving to yourself and the pattern will have served its purpose.

   2. Our soul orchestrated the meetings and events in our life to wake us up and help us embody our divine selves. Take an inventory of your consciousness and scan for any lingering resentments and decide to let them go and feel compassion for your opponents. If you honestly still blame anyone for anything, you have something to change.

3. Pray to God and ask to feel whole all day long. If you say this prayer sincerely, you will be shocked at how quickly you will transform. You will almost forget that you have desires.

4. Be grateful to be alive in a body. The soul is excited to be here. The ego gets bored and judgmental. If you feel apathetic, listless, bored, or uninspired, just realize that you are in YOUR MIND, and all you have to do is guide your awareness back into the heart. Be willing to feel whatever grief, sadness, or sorrow is in your heart with patience and compassion. Eventually it will dissolve. What will be left is a felt experience of the consciousness of the soul, which is in love with life.

5. Listen to your soul. Do what is right for you. Leave relationships that aren’t right for you. Leave careers that aren’t right for you. Leave friendships that aren’t right for you. You can’t regulate yourself out of a misaligned life. As long as you ignore the soul knocking on your door and asking you to move in a certain way, you will feel restless.

When our heart is open, and we are at one with life, our nervous system naturally relaxes. It is the separate self that is dysregulated. Breath-work and healings can help a lot, but they don’t really solve the problem- the only problem that we have is that we feel separate from life. If we can really rest in our heart, listen to our soul, trust the unknown, and love ourselves, then all of the root causes of inner turbulence will be healed, and we can feel deeply safe in our bodies.

Children are playing with toy boats and people of all ages are reading pages of their favorite books in the garden. Art students are painting their daily muse.

Every day, I have a coffee somewhere in Paris. Every day, there are people in the cafe reading books, connecting deeply with friends, and truly enjoying the meal that they are having. Even people on their way to work will stop and pull out a book and sit down and read a few pages while they have their coffee. People in Paris don’t waste much time on their phones; for some reason they are unlike most other cultures in that they have not lost the art of enjoying the present moment.

Parisian women are notorious around the world for being able to consume what most people would consider unhealthy foods, such as baguettes, croissants, butter, and wine, and not struggle with weight issues. After having spent a considerable amount of time here, I have realized what their secret is: PLEASURE.

When I say pleasure, I mean contentment, joy, and appreciation, NOT hedonism. Essentially, what I am saying is that they bring intense presence to their experience of eating, which naturally creates healthier digestion. Truly enjoying something does not lead to addiction. Addictions only arise when we deprive ourselves of joy and need to compensate for that by grabbing energy from the world- whether that be food, sex, drugs, alcohol, validation. etc. Deprivation leads to addiction. Presence creates deep satiation.

Pleasure is actually a medicinal frequency for the second chakra. Enjoyment nourishes that chakra. It’s no wonder that so many people have gut issues- they do not prioritize joy.

Each chakra has a medicinal frequency that keeps it vibrating at its natural, healthy frequency. Nourishment, joy, and pleasure keep the second chakra healthy. This is proof that we are wired for joy- when we don’t feel joy in our lives, our bodies shut down. The French have simply not forgotten this. That is why people fly all the way to Paris just to slowly enjoy a meal.

While I’m in France I do as the French do and I eat a baguette with butter for breakfast, or I grab a croissant almost daily. I noticed that the bread and butter is so pleasing and enjoyable, that I naturally feel satiated for many hours before I get hungry again. I also make it a point to fully enjoy what I am eating, without an ounce of guilt or fear.

What bread and butter has taught me is incredibly deep. My whole life, I have deprived myself of joy. When I was a child, I was not allowed to eat what I wanted, and I ended up having a severe eating disorder for over a decade. I was conditioned to believe that I can never have what I want- so I spent a lot of energy trying to make things fit that just didn’t fit- whether that was a diet, a career, friendships, or romantic relationships. My attempt to enforce patterns on myself that weren’t natural to me created a veil between my body and my soul.

When we believe that we do not deserve what we naturally want we need an addiction to compensate for it- the pendulum naturally swings the other day. Restriction leads to binging. Restriction of joy leads to indulgence. Being afraid of a food group or of anything inside of us (shame, anger, guilt, sadness, OUR DESIRES) moves us to compensate for that fear- perhaps by trying to be perfect, by never being angry, by people pleasing, and in my case, creating an illness that finally gave me a reason to have boundaries.

Our inability to choose our own joy creates a chaotic series of compensation behaviors. For example, if you settle in a relationship for something that doesn’t resonate with you, you will try to compensate for your lack of self-worth with a coping mechanism- perhaps trying to help or fix the person you’re with, or convincing yourself that you are being of service by staying with them. Eventually, the truth wins and some form of chaos has to explode to get us back into integrity. If we could just be honest with ourselves and choose what we truly want- the relationship, the career, the bread and butter, we’d be in alignment with ourselves and our lives would flow easily.

Restriction goes so much deeper than controlling our calories, it translates to not allowing any love or joy into our life. If you have lived a life where you have deprived yourself of something- whether it be food, fun, joy, play, a hobby that’s important to you, etc., then your “karmic correction” is to GIVE IN to abundance. Give in to the fact that you can have what you really want- and you can have it without guilt. Some people have different karma- maybe they overindulge, maybe they are hedonistic. Their correction would be different- it would be self-control.

In Zen there is a famous saying: “Hungry? Eat. Tired? Sleep. Fools will laugh at this, but the wise will know its meaning.”

The meaning of that saying is that we don’t have to use “mind over matter” to be at one with life. Our bodies and desires are not problems to be overcome, they are the divine speaking to us, and if we just listen and heed the message, life will carry us very swiftly to our next best destination. If we simply rest when tired, and eat when hungry, and not push ourselves around with harshness and restriction like some schoolyard bully, we will have affinity of form with the Creator, which is gentle and loving.

If I let myself eat in abundance without fear or shame, then naturally, if I eat too much, my tummy will hurt and I won’t do it again. If we just go with what feels natural in the moment, life will naturally correct itself- you live, you learn. It’s really simple. Life is really simple if you know how to listen.

But because I was taught that I should fear bread and sugar, I felt ashamed of myself because surely there must be something wrong with me if I want some bread or chocolate. The shame led me to hurt myself in many ways, I starved myself, and because I was starving I had to compensate by binging on anything I could get my hands on. Restriction leads to binging, Fear leads to addiction. Fear of shame keeps us in the addiction.

My healing finally came when I started giving myself everything I truly wanted. I learned how to love myself in the darkest places- which was in my deep shame. That’s what I really wanted- love.

I started eating in abundance. My body went through a period of fluctuation and reaction and I just trusted it and I let myself gain weight and break out, and I just gave up control. I told myself that VITALITY is what I want more than anything, and if that means I need to double or triple my calories, then I WILL DO IT. I will do whatever it takes to restore my brain back to safety and abundance. My desire to heal was greater than my desire to stay in control.

I left relationships that didn’t feel good to me- I faced my fear of being alone.

I chose to take a chance on being an entrepreneur instead of feeling totally misaligned in my old career as an attorney. It has been scary and uncertain, but I wouldn’t go back to predictable safety that isn’t right for me. I have truly learned how to trust the unknown.

You don’t have to leave home to enjoy your life. You don’t have to fly to Paris to get off your phone. I learned that the frequency that I found in Paris, which is the joy of living, the joy of being alive, is inside of me. France just helped me remember.

I am not talking about romanticizing life. I am talking about accessing a dimension of yourself that is already happy to be alive- your soul. Pleasure and choosing what truly feels good to you is a doorway to the soul. Realizing that your heart’s desires are innocent and pure and good is a doorway to your soul. Saying “no” to anything that doesn’t quite feel right is a doorway to your soul. Every choice you make to honor your soul brings you closer to being able to rest in the present moment, because the only reason that we ever feel restless is because we are ignoring our soul.

Thank you Paris, thank you baguettes with butter, thank you walks in the royal gardens, you have helped me remember that I am worthy of receiving.

<3

The definition of mundane is “lack of interest or excitement; dull.”

I understand what people mean when they say that. They mean that we should bring our presence to what are usually considered “ordinary” moments like changing a diaper or eating breakfast, instead of chasing highs and highlight reels, and that is very good advice.

I have felt inspired to add something to this conversation and that is that when you look through the eyes of your soul, nothing is mundane. The mind judges things as good and bad, and through our mind’s hierarchical thinking, we perceive life as having various degrees of value. When the heart looks at life, and we feel that we are the aliveness itself shining through the eyes and the heart, there is no conception of dullness. A grey prison cell and Monet’s waterlilies are equally alive. This may seem extreme, and I truly understand that. As always, take or leave anything that I say. This is just a reporting of my experience, for whatever it’s worth.

Instead of teaching our mind to value what our mind has previously deemed unimportant and dull, there’s another way to access the mystical that is alive in every moment.

When we have a burning desire for our head to fall into our heart, when our mind sinks into our heart, and we perceive life from the frequency of Unity, the mystical nature of aliveness itself is never felt to be separate from us. We are that aliveness! All forms are that aliveness! When we are LOOKING FROM aliveness, we SEE that everything is vibrating and alive. We feel that we are both one with and walking through the mind of God.

I wanted to give you a practical tool to access this state of perfection and eventually to rest there. Instead of looking AT the objects in your environment, pay attention to the aliveness that is looking out of your eyes and bursting through your heart. Focus on the subject, not the object. You may notice that as soon as you shift your attention to what is looking out of your eyes, you will feel a shining joy. This joy is your divine self, it is ALWAYS there, shining; we just miss it because we are paying attention to our thoughts and our environment.

The key to being able to rest here is to have a burning desire to have your head sink into your heart. Practically, this means that you rest your attention on your heart chakra. You breathe into it. You look out onto the world from your heart, as if your eyes were in your heart. You have unconditional compassion for yourself, and therefore all beings. To love oneself as God loves all beings is to “live correctly” from this chakra. When we have unconditional compassion for ourselves, we love all beings. We may not tolerate their behavior in our lives, but we have compassion for all beings.

Check in with your heart all day long. If your mind is racing, ask your heart if you have to let go of sadness. So often anger, anxiety and revved up frustration are smokescreens for sadness. Get to the root of your racing mind- so often it is a belief that you are not loved- feel it and let it go.

The idea that you are not loved is perhaps the biggest lie that has ever been told. I know from my own experience and gnosis of the divine that the divine loves a criminal equally as much as it loves a saint- So that means we must have compassion for every part of ourselves. The judge, the seductress, the charmer, all of these facades become moot when we finally love ourselves as much as God loves all beings. Having compassion for ourselves makes us have affinity of form with God, because God is love.

Be patient with your heart. Talk to your heart. Refuse to punish yourself or anyone else. Resentment and revenge destroy the mind and the body. Everything is one. Any hateful thought that you believe about anything or anyone is just hatred that you are targeting at yourself. When we hurt others, even in our minds, we are hurting ourselves.

Let’s stop hurting ourselves and others.

Feel your heart all day long. Be present with all of your pain. Focus on what is shining through your eyes and your heart. You will soon discover that nothing in life is mundane.

On top of that, if suffering has caused a person to be deeply empathetic, there may be a sort of cherishing that happens in the mind towards suffering. In many cases suffering really did make us more compassionate, more patient, more present, and more able to emotionally support people who are experiencing difficulties. What happens when we begin to not require suffering to learn to be more like the soul?

If we’ve spent decades (or our entire lives) struggling physically, financially, relationally, or emotionally, we probably are surrounded by people with similar issues. We have created a universe around an identity of hardship. Our identity may keep us bonded with our family, our friends, or even our clients. I’m discovering something interesting as I step more and more fully into an identity of abundance, vitality, and wholeness- when our known, familiar self-concept of someone who struggles falls away, so does everything that was attached to it. It’s nothing personal, it’s just physics.

Our self-concept is one level of identity. There are also emotional identities. An emotional identity is an emotion that you feel so chronically that you probably do not notice it, and you wouldn’t feel like yourself if it disappeared. Emotional identities often become other problems- such as mental, physical, relational, and financial imbalances.

One way to figure out what your emotional identities are is simply to notice what you see wherever you look- do people anger you? Do you feel low self-worth every time you look at social media? Do you feel victimized by the emotions of people in your environment? Do people and situations make you feel guilty on a daily basis? Those chronic reactions are actually glasses you’re looking through. Life is constellating around the nucleus of your emotional identities.

Recently I became aware that I was holding an emotional identity of guilt- and it projected itself into my mind by making me feel defensive about the fact that I have healed my body, and my relationship to myself. I am vital, I love myself, I am free to live my life the way that I please, and I trust the divine. Having no problems was an unknown for me, and I see clearly now why we subconsciously may not want to be healthy, wealthy, or free- because we’d have to confront the fact that people we love may not be able to relate to us anymore in the same old ways.

Please, let that be ok. Let go of the need to manage people’s emotions; the real lesson here is to let go of control, it’s not about being “nice.” The most harm you could ever do is to repress the light of your soul so that someone’s ego doesn’t get triggered. Souls do not get triggered- only egos do. And that’s not to say that we shouldn’t care how people feel about our words, but we can’t tailor our behavior so that people aren’t uncomfortable. Censoring yourself is rigged to cause chaos eventually- because the universe rewards truth, not people-pleasing. Being pleasing is not a virtue.

I found myself feeling badly for possibly triggering or upsetting people by sharing my story of healing and the things that helped me along the way. I feel a shadowy temptation to bring myself down a notch so that I stay relatable to the people around me. I hear that devil on my shoulder telling me to be quiet and to“dim my light.” I feel that this is a crucial threshold in my life, and I wanted to put words to it in case it might be helpful to anyone who comes across this post. I am about to fully step beyond this, and I invite you to come with me.

From my perspective as a medical intuitive, the emotional identity of guilt causes a litany of health issues. Over time, guilt corrodes our intestines and prevents us from being able to absorb nutrients. It also causes fertility issues. It makes sense, because chronic emotional guilt prevents us from absorbing the joy of being alive. It is a literal happiness ceiling and it is more prevalent than you could ever imagine. I don’t like the word demonic but I’ll use it here to convey a point- it’s a vicious parasite that I behoove you to look at and decide if you want it to continue to run your life.

Joy is in fact a medicinal frequency for the second chakra. If we cherish being burdened and struggling (possibly because we feel guilty and that we deserve to suffer), we are putting a ceiling on our ability to access this medicine of joy, laughter, awe, and love of life.

This guilt spans across lifetimes. It is such a strong attachment that souls carry it from life to life because unconsciously they believe that will prove to God that they deserve to go back to heaven, but in reality it is a self-created hell. God is incapable of judgement and no matter what we’ve done in this life or any other, nothing outside of us is asking us to suffer because of it- our soul calls us to reflect and decide to evolve, and to have compassion for ourselves along the way. God loves your least favorite politician as much as it loves a saint- if you really contemplate that, you may realize how much you judge yourself compared to how the divine sees you. (and YES I know this for an absolute fact based on my own gnosis and direct experience)

Although we are all connected through our collective and archetypical human pains, we are also connected by our eternal nature, which is joyful, loving, creative intelligence. I believe joy is one of the things that is stuffed most deeply in the shadow, and that’s probably why most people have gut issues. It’s actually harder to access joy for most people than it is to suffer.

It’s much more confronting, dangerous and vulnerable to our ego to be witnessed as happy and whole, because that is far too great of a vibrational departure for the majority of humans. How dare you be whole, happy, vital, free and abundant? I remember reading that people who used to witness Jiddu Krishnamurti outside of his teaching role guessed that he was mentally handicapped because he was always smiling. That’s how people think- that being happy is somehow a handicap, or that it is not deep. On the contrary, the deepest people I know have the best sense of humor, laugh easily, and have a depth that is coupled with levity.

There is nothing more healing than the realization of your true nature, which is unchanging, stable, vital, loving awareness. On a quantum level, since all souls are entangled, by far the greatest service we could ever provide is the realization of our eternal joy. This is not to say we repress our pain, but it is to say that we don’t glamorize being chronically stuck in negative emotions.

Something interesting that I’ve learned about the trickster, or the aspect of consciousness that seduces us back into addictions and destructive energies, is that it wants us to believe that love isn’t real. It wants us to believe that love and joy and even health are pipe-dreams. How can you ever get physically where you first haven’t arrived in your mind? It’s not possible. You have to give up the payoff of staying the same to allow yourself to change.

In my work as a subconscious surgeon, I’ve seen over and over again that one of the biggest payoffs of continuing to struggle is that we get to stay guilty, which means we will eventually earn our way back into God’s good graces after we’ve punished ourselves enough for being sinners. Another payoff is that we will fit in with the very environment that we were born to individuate from, and this desire for connection with our tribe is strong- it takes enormous energy to choose a more loving vibration when our ego feels it will separate us from our tribe. We have to give that up. We have to give up the guilt of triggering people that we love who struggle. Destroying ourselves to not upset people is just the trickster tricking us into believing in a distorted definition of love.

Suffering is a powerful teacher, and I am grateful for it. I am also grateful that I have found another way to learn, which is by choosing to let my soul express its light into my life, into my body, and into my relationship with myself. The soul is accessed in stillness, prayer, praise, trust in life, discipline in not choosing to get worked up about things(stability), and sincere heart-felt asking that its intelligence inform your mind.

I’m grateful for everything that suffering has taught me, and I am eager and excited to watch my world continue to constellate around a nucleus of contentment, stability, presence, vitality, and love. Thriver’s guilt is real , and it’s just another lie to discard as you continue to allow your soul to express its magnificence into your life.

If the ego is literally the avoidance of pain, then the way to have your soul live your life is to stop running from pain.

I do deep subconscious healing work on myself and on my clients, and I’ve seen the elaborate patterns that we create all because we don’t believe we can handle certain types of pain- namely shame, worthlessness, grief, humiliation, and loneliness. We literally create universes of chaos to avoid the discomfort of sitting with our deepest pains. When we become willing to go into these emotions consciously, the shadow patterns have no use anymore. Their entire existence depends on our relationship to pain- if we DECIDE we can handle pain, we don’t need the symptoms and patterns that cover the pain- if we don’t believe we can handle pain, we’ll create circuses to avoid feeling emotions that are begging to be acknowledged. So often anxiety and incessant blame are smokescreens for deeper, heavier emotions.

For example, feeling deeply unworthy can cause a reaction of either extreme powerlessness ( an unhealed empath ego structure), or a power-hungry narcissistic ego structure. Both of these ego structures cause harm to the person and to whoever they touch.

The unhealthy empath fails to create and maintain boundaries, essentially allowing whatever would like to feed on them to come right into their psychic space. The immune system’s job is to keep certain things out- if we cannot do that for ourselves, we create a weak immune system. Unhealthy empaths often present with autoimmune disease and other forms of chronic disease. They don’t feel that saying “no” is a viable option for them, which basically says to the universe “what I want and what feels good to me doesn’t matter.” People who blame themselves for everything, who feel unimportant, uninspired, and worthless can become a black hole of sorts because we create how we feel about ourselves. People who feel this way often create financial difficulty, health challenges, and attract abusive relationships.

People on the more narcissistic side of the spectrum may be very good at creating success in the material world because their desire to be seen a certain way motivates them to be the best at whatever they do. They may achieve a lot in their outer life, but their inner life is hollow and empty because they do not value connection unless it does something for their image, status or career.

Both of these characters are avoiding the same thing- pain. The unhealthy empath can’t withstand the intensity of their emotions (usually loneliness that is covered by the fear of abandonment) so they often avoid feeling their pain by making a career out of “helping others.” If they are always helpful, then they are valued, and that means they will not be abandoned and ultimately left to feel their powerlessness and loneliness. Unhealthy empaths don’t feel they have an identity unless they are connected to someone, so they do everything they can to stay connected. This creates enormous chaos in their lives, especially in their health.

The narcissist avoids pain by staying disconnected and avoidant. For them, being seen in a certain way, often as “good” is their life-breath. The image is more important than reality. So, there’s no room in their consciousness for self-responsibility. Accountability doesn’t occur to someone who fancies themself to be a saint. If image is more important than reality, then the person will be entirely motivated to keep their image alive, not their relationships. It goes without saying that this creates a trail of tears.

If either of these people were to develop the ability to pause deeply in the midst of their emotional triggers, the soul would come right in and heal their minds.In stillness that is chosen in the midst of great pain, the soul dissolves the momentum of our negative creations. If we avoid our pain, we are eternally trapped in the hamster wheel of trying to maintain a house of cards that will inevitably crumble. The key is to let the pain all the way in.

The empath who lets the pain in can realize their connection with God, that they have personal power and value, that their desires are God’s desires and that they are safe, valued and connected simply because they are alive and an extension of Source energy. The narcissist who lets pain in can realize that the validation and nourishment that they are seeking in the world is in their hearts, and so they can take off the costume they created to receive that validation, whether that costume is perfection, or needing to be seen as “pure.”

God, the soul, whatever you want to call it is the only thing that can heal us and stop the repetitive patterns that we have fashioned to protect ourselves from discomfort. The choice to let pain all the way in is a statement to the universe that you no longer need protection. There is no need to construct a facade or a character to get you something- love, connection, approval, safety, validation, etc.

When we no longer need protection, we no longer live in survival mode, and only then can we be truly at rest and creative. We become co-creators with the heart field instead of trying to desperately control reality from the perception that we are separate from life. When we allow pain to be part of life, we are at one with life.

The Buddha said that pain was part of life, but also that there is an end to suffering. Suffering ends when we stop needing to be somewhere or someone that we are not. When we stop needing to be anything more than what we are right now, we don’t suffer. This is not a romanticizing of pain, nor is it a desire to create more pain, but simply a decision to finally collapse into whatever pain is in our hearts. This collapsing is an “eye of the needle” to the liberation of our soul.

Deciding to fully go into the pain that is secretly running our whole life is what gives us more joy. When we’re not constantly treading water trying to control everything, we have the bandwidth to be in love with life. As Richard Rudd beautifully states in his book The 64 Ways, “fear is safe.” Yes, even fear is safe. Grief is safe. Loneliness is safe.

What kind of universes will be create when we let all of life in and feel safe within all of it? I’m excited to find out.

I consider a construct of invisibility one of the most influential factors in the creation of disease. If I am in pain and I feel that my pain is invisible, I may create a situation that makes my pain visible. This happened in my life.

As a child, I was a lot slower than my peers in some ways . I am a projector in Human Design and I have always felt much more like a “being” than a doer. I tried to voice this to my parents and God bless their hearts, they just didn’t get it. I was encouraged to play sports and to be very active and competitive, which isn’t natural to me at all.

I became increasingly disregulated, and in my late teens I developed an eating disorder. In the first couple years of having an eating disorder, I tried to heal myself but it would take over a decade to begin to receive the insights that I needed to leave the eating disorder behind. I remember thinking to myself that I would actually love to get help, and go to an inpatient rehab, but my parents never offered to put me in a program. I didn’t have the money at the time to do it myself, and they did, and my reaction was that I felt utterly betrayed and unimportant.

These would be the recurring thought patterns in my life: “I’m not even good enough to be saved,” “No matter how much I suffer no one wants to help me,” “My pain is invisible.” (I don’t blame them for this anymore because I know my own wounds that I came into this life with create my reality- the creator whispered in their ear and said “Don’t pay for this” because I was always meant to learn how to permanently heal this wound by saving myself.)

At age 26, I was diagnosed with two types of thyroid cancer. When they surgically opened my neck, they told me that by the looks of the metastasis, that cancer had probably been there for about 8 years, right around the time the eating disorder started.

After my second radical neck dissection, I remember being in the hospital on my birthday, unable to move because the surgeon had accidentally cut a bile duct and I had to remain 24/7 with my head tilted in one direction. During that 2-week stay, I remember regressing into a childlike state hoping that my dad would show up to comfort me. I was married at the time and I had plenty of support and company. My dad is a very busy man and he loves me very much, but during those two weeks he visited me for a total of minutes, and I remember my soul loudly saying “WELL ALEX THAT DIDN’T WORK ARE YOU DONE WITH THIS YET?”

This realization shocked me- I somehow had created this whole illness to get his attention, and even to prove to him that I can’t be forced out of my natural self without consequences (this is what I had to internalize and accept about myself). I know that may sound crazy, but that’s what my soul taught me, and that’s what I’ve seen over and over again in working with people dealing with illness. If you suspect that this may be a belief that is creating your reality, test the sentence “My pain is invisible.” If that thought makes you feel like you want to recoil or cry, odds are it is actively creating your reality.

I have many friends who are on a journey of healing and when they tell me that they met someone that made them “feel seen” it alerts me to the fact that they don’t see themselves. They don’t honor their pain. They don’t honor their truth. They don’t take time to empty out the world to listen to and acknowledge their soul; they’re looking to be validated from the outside.

When people I know on a healing journey seem to enjoy and seek pity or compassion from nurturing types of people, it alerts me that they don’t feel compassion for themselves and it’s that wound again, begging to be seen. I deeply understand this, I lived it for decades. Feeling invisible can feel absolutely soul-crushing, which is why human beings will put themselves through hell to be acknowledged. This intense need for acknowledgement is actually your soul signaling to you that you need to acknowledge, hear, feel, and love yourself.

So, here is the solution, at least from my point of view. Remember that we must find within what we seek without. If we feel that our pain is invisible, we must acknowledge our pain, and listen to its messages. We must treat our emotional body and inner child like a precious holy grail. If you are seeking attention, acknowledgment, validation, or compassion from the world, that is what you need to give to yourself. Making this shift will radically transform your life, whether or not your body heals, because the constant hamster wheel of seeking will come to an end, and you will be able to rest comfortably in your own heart.

“I acknowledge my pain and I am listening to the messages of my soul.” “I see and accept myself.” “I give myself the compassion I’ve been wanting from the world.” “I am seen, known, and loved by God.” “I was created perfect and I choose to see myself through the God’s eyes.”

Judging and berating yourself is something that you are technically free to do (chronic guilt is another silent assassin), but that’s like judging and berating God, saying God made a mistake in creating you- it’s simply above your pay-grade.

When we self-source this very real need to be seen, we don’t need to subconsciously beg the world (and ourselves) for attention and validation. This is not a judgment, it’s an insight from my own decades of lived experience of both being deeply stuck in this wound and resolving it with my own love and attention.

We truly do live in a loving universe. There’s no need to be disappointed in the world or in people, it was all a set-up to bring you back home to your own wholeness.

<3

Alex

I have a theory from my perspective as a medical intuitive that especially conditions involving hypothyroidism, thyroid cancer, and Hashimotos, that the person loses their voice.

Losing your voice is not just about not speaking up, but it’s losing the ability to hear your soul around others. It’s also about giving away your decision making power. This can look like acquiescing to other people’s desires, and feeling like you have no self. It results in taking actions based on being lulled into someone else’s agenda, and becoming deaf to your own soul’s desires. The throat chakra is a chakra of expression, both of the word and of action. If your actions are based on what others want, your throat has been hijacked. A healthy throat chakra can act in accordance with its highest understanding, so it makes sense that if we act in accordance with someone else’s understanding, that the area would deteriorate.

Someone with a tendency to give their power away to their environment will likely attract human beings that will try to control them. If you are allowing your expression to get hijacked, you are a vibrational match to people who want to manipulate and control you. This has been one of the hardest things I’ve learned in my life. People have tried to punish me for simply stating the truth. I was approved of when I enabled things, but when I didn’t enable things, people I attracted into my life tried to shut me down. In my life I’ve had Hashimotos, hypothyroidism, thyroid cancer, and cysts under my tongue. I healed the root cause of this by not allowing someone else’s opinion of me manipulate my own feelings about and towards myself.

This can be a real mind fuck; being both so empathic and disempowered that sometimes you confuse others’ opinions of who you should be with your own opinions about yourself.

At the very core of this habit, the habit of giving your power away, is a strong belief that one is not good enough. If you believe you have no power, no value, no say in your own life, and no free will, then you will allow agendas other than your own soul’s desires to drive your life. You may even experience being an empath as feeling bombarded and attacked by energies around you.

This is an interesting thing to ponder. Many people who identify as empaths are experiencing their empathy in a physically uncomfortable way- because on top of being highly sensitive they believe they are powerless. I noticed in my own life that when I decided that I could handle life, that I could handle challenges, and that Source energy has my back, my experience of empathy DRAMATICALLY changed. I am still highly sensitive and emotionally raw, but I experience these parts of myself as precious and lovely, not as a handicap. One of the big results of this shift is that I can function in the physical world without collapsing to environmental stimuli.

I used to feel the negative thought forms on the highways and be unable to drive a car- when I decided I am safe in God and that I can handle discomfort- that discomfort vanished.

I used to feel bombarded by all of the information at grocery stores- all of the products, all of the advertising, all of the people in a rush. I would walk into an aisle and my throat would close because someone in that aisle had a sore throat. It was insane. When I stopped allowing others to determine who I am, these symptoms disappeared!

To reclaim your voice you have to be ok with who you are. You have to be ok about the timing of your life (feeling like you’re too slow slows down your thyroid). You have to be deeply at peace with yourself. You have to have the audacity to listen to your soul’s desires above what other people want from you. A person who is deeply at peace with themselves cannot be manipulated or controlled.

To reclaim your voice you also have to decide that you can handle the fears that arise when you decide to walk your authentic path. A lot of times this looks like disconnecting from people- romantic partners, childhood friends, even clients or business partners, that perhaps we relied on in some way but are keeping us in our old selves. Sometimes we don’t realize how we REALLY feel about ourselves until we lose something that we relied upon. When we lose something that we relied upon, we have the opportunity to realize that that thing (spouse, investor, friend) is NOT our source of connection and abundance, but that the divine within us is our source.

The belief “I can handle whatever arises” gives you the healing energy you need to stop being a victim to life. Sometimes we stay tethered to people and situations that we’ve truly outgrown but that we feel we need for some reason. Believing you can handle the discomfort that will come with leaving that person or situation will give you strength.

I used to attend Abraham Hicks seminars years ago, and I always thought the theme song that they played before the event was annoying, but now I get it. The lyrics are basically “I CAN DO IT!” This belief strengthens a collapsed solar plexus that is common in empaths and gives us the ability to move through life with inner strength that also heals our minds and bodies.

Reclaiming your voice is about reclaiming your sovereignty and inherent beauty as a soul and letting the soul’s current live your life. Reclaiming your sovereignty means that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Source is your supply. The world is not your supply of abundance or love. Reclaiming your inherent beauty means that no one’s opinion of you needs to determine your self-worth.

For example, I personally like to live life very slowly. I like to take my time, I like to sit outside and watch ants carrying leaves crawling in a straight line, I like to read a chapter of a book at a cafe, I like to spend hours in the morning basking in the energy of what I call “God’s love,” and I like to go to bed early. I used to go to France often just to tap into this frequency of joie de vivre and then I realized that this is just who I am. I may still move to France, but more importantly I totally love and accept my authentic self who likes to bask in what people call “mundane moments.” To me nothing is mundane. Being alive is a delight!

When we deeply accept ourselves a lot of things sort themselves out. When I judged myself for my natural rhythms, I attracted people who liked to put me down. When I stopped judging myself, I met kindred spirits and many people who used to judge me seemed to stop doing so. A lot of negative emotion is symptomatic of lack of self-acceptance, even when we are projecting it at others. Deep self-acceptance creates safety in the body. Safety allows us to let life in, to let blessings in.

I do believe something that they teach in Kabbalah, which is that God wants to give us endless blessings. If we make ourselves a problem, we put a lid on the flow of blessings. Most people are entirely run by the belief that there is something wrong with them, which creates tension, illness, ruthlessness, and chaos. If God knows we are perfect, and we believe we suck, then our thoughts are separating us from God and from all of the goodness that wants to come into our lives. This is really the core of healing, to be deeply ok with who we are.

When we are at peace with ourselves, and we feel whole, we have resonance with the perspective of the divine, which loves us endlessly. When we resonate with this divine love, the hologram of reality shifts to reflect that core identity, but that’s really just the icing on the cake. The real prize is that we realize who we really are- unlimited, creative love. We become vessels of endless creativity. When we feel unlimited and we love ourselves, we have restored our voice- in the TRUEST SENSE, because now that we feel whole, we can play, we can trust the unknown, we can trust ourselves, and we can leave what isn’t right for us because that thing was never our source.

<3

Alex

Well, in a nutshell, it never stops shining. Our soul feels whole, in love with life, in awe of creation, and loves all beings. So, when our minds are focused on ourselves, “others” (there are no others), or life in a way that doesn’t align with the truth of wholeness and perfection, we feel pain and we suffer.

Fundamentally, there really are no others. There is just one soul having many experiences. Therefore, any hateful belief you have about “another” is just a message to your own subconscious mind, and it will create disorder in your life, because your subconscious mind is designed to protect you from danger. If you truly believe “that piece of shit narcissist is a danger to society” well, you might be right, but you’re also programming yourself into chemistry of stress because that POS narcissist is you in another iteration, so you’re basically saying “I need to protect myself from myself.” Isn’t that trippy? Every time we hurt another even in our thoughts, we are actually hurting ourselves.

This actually makes life very simple- it eventually forces us to detach from our ego’s judgments and arrogance about how life should be so that we can achieve resonance with the vibration of wholeness and perfection.

The intelligence of the soul would inspire compassion, understanding and acceptance of our lives as our creative responsibility and adventure. When we are triggered, all we have to do is pause and allow the soul to act through us. Pausing and not acting when you’re intensely triggered takes practice, and meditation is very helpful in developing this skill. I feel energy and emotions so intensely. I’ve had to practice training my body to gently open to the intensity of my feelings by sitting in stillness.

Love is unpredictable- it does what must be done, not what our minds think should happen. After you pause and ask the soul to act through you, you might be surprised at what it calls you to do. Sometimes love is firm and says “no more” and sometimes it is soft and invites reconciliation. Sometimes we are being asked to detach, disconnect, and walk away and other times we are being asked to stay in our discomfort and proactively confront a situation.

Most people (myself included) only learn grace, compassion, forgiveness, total trust in life, and living in awe and appreciation because they have no choice. Maybe you’ve been diagnosed with an advanced illness. Something inside of you may be very aware that if you continue to blame, seek attention by being sick, hold grudges against your family members, and continuously let your doubts bring you into depression and self-pity, that your condition will advance quickly. I’ve lived this myself. This isn’t a punishment. It’s not happening to you because you’re a bad person- it’s just a message that your mind isn’t in alignment with wholeness and perfection.

I’d also like to add that if you have experienced a lot of hardship in your life, that your soul has a HUGE desire to manifest its authentic light into the world, and when your mind resists that nuclear desire, you create more chaos than a person who’s not in this lifetime to manifest the light of the soul. Some people can spend a whole lifetime being pessimistic, angry, and hateful, and never develop a health issue or experience a big loss. My guess is that they didn’t incarnate to bring their soul’s light as fully into this life. They may have volunteered to play those roles to help others awaken.

Getting into alignment with wholeness is different for everyone. Some people have low self-belief and feel powerless, and so they need to develop their solar plexus by believing that they can handle life (specifically that they can handle pain). Some people are out for themselves and want to win regardless of what happens in their relationships, which indicates that the heart chakra is closed. These people also need to learn that they can handle pain.

We all have different lessons we need to learn and virtues we need to integrate, but we all have one thing in common- our ego is literally the avoidance of pain and the addiction to instant gratification. Becoming conscious of pain is a big step in being able to embody the energy of wholeness because it gives us the opportunity to learn what the pain is trying to tell us- perhaps that we have faulty belief systems; perhaps that we have been avoiding our pain AND our light.

The first step to be able to learn without a cosmic two-by-four having to force us to learn, is to make our primary desire wholeness. Really, first and foremost our primary desire must be oneness with God. We must desire wholeness more than anything else. We must decide that we can feel within us whatever frequencies we are seeking without. The ego is the avoidance of pain and the movement towards instant gratification; the soul is stillness, love, wholeness, acceptance, and acton that comes from these energies. We must stop worshipping false idols, whether that be a romantic partner, a social status, career recognition, or a guru.

Look at both everyone you greatly admire, and everyone you judge and ask yourself if there is something inside of you that you have not claimed within or that you have not accepted about yourself. By noticing what we seek outside, we can know exactly what frequencies we must activate within ourselves. When we feel truly good enough (whole), we stop seeking altogether. Life becomes a surrendered expression of our soul’s desires. We create for the sake of creating, not to obtain something from the world.

The second step to learning through joy is to proactively appreciate and pray for the wellbeing of everyone you know. So many people in the spiritual space say things like “just surrender to what is” as if every day is a series of random waves that we must learn how to surf. But tell that to someone who has stage 4 pancreatic cancer-Unless they truly want to leave the world, I bet you they will make a lot more decisions in their life. More decisions mentally, emotionally, and attitudinally. More actions that reflect love of life and self-love. They no longer believe that they have time to suffer, so many of them choose not to. This is so powerful. We don’t have to be backed up into a corner to make this choice.

We have a lot more power to make decisions than we exercise- and while we only have one decision to make (who we want to be/what we choose to align with) we can make that decision multiple times a day.

Start and end your day in prayer. Thank God deeply for your life and for your loved ones, for your health if you have it, and for health crisis because it is here to teach you something. This lesson is precious to your soul. Ask sincerely for the message, you will receive the answer.

Put a timer on your phone and pause and feel love and gratitude every hour. Tune into the version of you that is whole and vital, and practice walking as them every hour for just a few moments. If you simply decide to do this, and you make the effort, before long, it will become you.

Do not wait to pray, love, and be grateful until you are on your knees. Do it now. This will completely transform your life, because the soul heals us. The soul is love, the soul loves all beings, and the soul is in awe of life.

Often times we stay stuck in anxiety and anger because they are smoke-screens for grief and despair. It feels better to tread water in fear and anger than to descend into what feels like endless, oceanic sadness, so it makes sense that our ego tries to protect us from sadness by keeping us in faster-moving emotional energy.

Allowing yourself to fully feel grief and despair is a very powerful “eye of the needle” to liberation, because so much energy is spent trying to avoid it. Once we truly feel grief, we can go beyond it and it will cease to secretly run our entire lives.

However, on the other side of avoidance is glamorization and identification. If we attach a story to the sadness, we will stay in it for longer than is healthy. Self-pity is a type of story that can keep us entrenched in despair for long periods of time, and from what I’ve seen as a medical intuitive, this is a very quick way to lower your immunity. Another thing that greatly tanks your immunity is having poor boundaries, but more on that later.

I have seen self-pity land people in emergency rooms and nearly kill others. Here’s an example of a self pity pattern I’ve noticed lately: a lot of women on a spiritual path are dealing with a hard reality, which is that they spent their 30s doing emotional healing work and not building a family. When the intensive healing period ends, it can feel scary to realize 9-12 years have gone by and you spent a whole decade (or more!) healing your soul, but time didn’t stand still.

Many people in their late 30s are confronting the possibility that they will not have children. Of course, it’s possible to have children in your 30s, 40s, and 50s, and it’s possible to adopt children and to have children be part of your life in many ways. However the fact remains that we don’t know for sure how the future will play out.

I’ve seen a lot of women fall into despair and self-pity, and while possibly not having children can be a hard thing to digest, it is so important to understand that self-pity destroys your health. No matter who you are, no matter what your story is, self-pity destroys our body’s ability to fight off pathogens.

If you think about it spiritually, if we perceive that there’s something wrong with us or our life, we are essentially disagreeing with God. We’re saying “GOD, you fucked up!” And needless to say, if our minds resist what is, we suffer. When we suffer, we create chemicals of stress and lower our vitality.

Self-pity is an extreme form of resistance. I just wanted to share this to let you know that as hard as some situations are, and how much grief they bring up, it is never worth falling into self-pity. Your health is precious, and your life is precious. Trust that whatever pain you’re feeling is somehow good. It is somehow leading to your enlightenment.

In my life, a certain version of me definitely died in 2012. That year, I was diagnosed with cancer, and after two 8-hour surgeries and radiation, I started becoming extremely sensitive to energy. This sensitivity would increasingly agitate me until a peak experience I had in September of 2016.

In early 2016 I began having some interesting paranormal experiences. I started being aware as I was traveling out of body, and I started seeing entities around my then-husband.

At the time I was an attorney and freshly married. I was recovering from cancer and trying to start my life as a young lawyer in Miami. I could barely get through the day. I couldn’t handle the buzzing of the lights so I’d work in the dark. I had to nap under my desk during lunch to make it through the day. These feelings of distress and fatigue would only continue to get worse until September of that year.

A friend of mine knew I was struggling and suggested that I go to an energy healer. The healer pointed out to me that I was a very shallow breather. She told me to go for walks and to try simply to not stop breathing.

I took her advice and one day I was walking by the ocean, forcing myself to breathe, and I felt this warm egg crack on the top of my head. The warm energy rushed down all of my subtle channels and exploded out of my nadis. I could see beings that seemed to be associated with or assigned to different aspects of nature, such as beings of the trees, and of the ocean.

I walked back to my apartment and I literally saw my white room turn pink(my high school room was painted red and the red and white were blending) and I heard music that I had listened to in 10th grade. I heard thoughts that my 16 year old self was STILL HAVING! That showed me that thoughts are eternal and I could literally time travel back to my 16 year old consciousness.

I could see nothing but love. I felt the incomprehensible love of God. I couldn’t perceive flaws. I felt the oneness of the universe in a very intense way. Oneness has a musical signature. All forms have a musical signature. My presence has a musical signature. Your presence has a musical signature. The beauty of existence was awe-inducing and left me perpetually speechless. I suddenly understood ancient texts such as the Tao te Ching. I saw love shining through people’s eyes that when in their egos were cruel or not well-meaning. I saw the truth of them.

My inner teacher taught me not to resist the body. When I was walking in this state, I felt a pain in my ankle. My inner teacher said “sit down.” I sat down, and didn’t try to ignore the pain, and as soon as I sat down, and listened to my body, I felt a nuclear explosion of life force up my spine and the pain disappeared. My inner teacher was trying to show me how listening to the body and its need to rest can heal you instantaneously.

Following a couple years of bliss, life started cleaning me out- in a very guttural way. I was forced to become aware of karmic patterns that disturbed my mind, emotions, and physical health. I was forcibly ejected from relationships. It was a harrowing 12 years.

Now I sit here writing, my body is healed, my mind is at peace, my emotions are tender and raw and I am totally present with them. My mind is becoming increasingly unlimited. My heart is opening more and more. The angel of death is constantly reminding me not to stay upset at anyone, not even for 1 minute. I am dissolving more and more into the incomprehensible love of God, gently letting go of my ego’s plans, while simultaneously acknowledging and embracing my heart’s desires.

The path to consciousness is intense as fuck, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. My heart goes out to you if you are on this path, and have chosen to deal with a lot in one lifetime. My life as a mystic has shown me unequivocally that even the most painful situations are powered by love. Breathe, let go, trust, and know that you can never die, but use death as a way to love the life you do have. Love the people in your life. Close space, don’t create space. That’s why we’re here- to heal the separation.

What if what was real for you right now is that you’ve just realized what your goals are? What if reality is saying “tune into your desires now.” Hopefully if we are sovereign and listening to our inner truth, we will do what is real and not calibrate ourselves to someone else’s inner process.

Surrender doesn’t necessarilly mean having no intentions, it means listening to reality, whatever that may be for you.

Pause and listen to how reality actually wants to move through you (or not move) right now.

Some people like to live in a a way that goes something like “I’m not gonna have any goals and just see what the Universe brings me and be totally present with that”- and that’s a wonderfully surrendered way to live!

However, if you are not currently living a financial reality that feels right to your SOUL (living where you want, having access to what you want, etc.), then it might be a good idea to sit down and acknowledge(make conscious) what you ACTUALLY WANT, add it up, choose that number as a gateway frequency of something to choose and tune into on a daily basis. Our true heart’s desires are literally the voice of God asking us to both acknowledge and believe in ourselves are creators. The mechanism of true desire is one of the ways the universe connects us to life. True desire (not reactive, lackfull desire) is a nuclear current trying to connect us to life more.

We don’t know why we want to relocate, why we want to travel out of state to buy a specific car, to plant a rose garden on the east side of our property- but the universe knows how all of these things will connect us to the universe in fun and interesting ways. The vendor of the car could be your daughter’s soulmate. The garden could nourish a population of insects that would benefit the environment. We really don’t know!

What do you want? Where do you want to live? Do you want to be near a forrest? Do you want beach access? What improvements do you want to make on your home? Where do you want to send your children to school? Do you want to give your kids guitar lessons? Where do you want to buy organic food? Do you want to get rid of all synthetic fabrics and upgrade your wardrobe? Do you want to purchase a great water filter? How often would you like to travel? How do you want to travel? How much money would you like to make investments? Would you like to start a trust for your grandchildren? Would you like to fund a research study? Would you like to start a charter school?

GET REAL about your desires and write them down, and add them up. When you add it all up, you get a number. This SPECIFIC number will help you acknowledge how much money you actually want. This number is a frequency/identity that you can tune into. Let’s say the number is 10 million. The goal is to make this frequency feel as normal as breathing. You make it normal by tuning into it all day long! Put a timer on your phone and tune into it every hour for a few minutes. With your intention just pause and tune into this identity. You’ll start to notice even within a few days that your thoughts, feelings, and conversations around money will automatically change!

When you first tune into this identity you may notice resistance. You might find beliefs and competing desires that you have, such as not offending your family. Maybe your family has struggled their entire lives and in your mind, you being free would make them feel ashamed. Well get over that! Decide that you choose not to let that limit you. You may believe that having that much money will make people judge you or perhaps try to take advantage of you. Again, toss that one out too! Choose to believe that you can trust your inner stability. boundaries and discernment instead of being a victim to other people’s perceptions and agendas.

In your daily life you will be asked to spend money. While you may not be able to purchase a new home TODAY, do whatever you CAN DO TODAY to embody that frequency. For example, if you usually leave a 15% tip at your cafe, leave 20%. Is giving away an extra dollar going to ruin your life? Of course not! Spend virtual money! You CAN shop for your house today. You can make a Pinterest about how you will decorate the house. You CAN use your mind to have fun and be creative instead of letting it go back to it’s default mode of lack and worry- But again, when you TRULY CHOOSE this new identity, your worries will naturally dissolve, because this version of you just doesn’t worry about money!

The key is to consistently choose this over and over again, every hour of the day for a few moments. This is the most important action step. Do whatever other actions occur to you, ESPECIALLY the ones that you’ve been considering but haven’t done and that OTHER PEOPLE are now suggesting to you! God has infinite mouths! If you have consistently received an inspired thought but haven’t followed through with it, people around you may start to suggest that to you! Consider that that may be God trying to give you a suggestion.

It’s very important that sensitive, heart-centered people be financially free in their lives. Money amplifies who we are. When we get out of survival and we let the universe meet our needs and wants, we are free to be channels of endless solutions. We can create new energy, new education, new products that don’t harm people or the environment.

Take the first step and make your actual real desires conscious, tune into that identity, ask your soul to help you release the resistance, and be an example of a free, heart-centered creator.

There are some practical things to understand about quantum entanglement that can help us live more sovereign, functional lives. For one thing, anyone that we believe we NEED or rely on, will affect our energy the most. That is why it is so important for every human being to make their primary relationship with God/Source/The Creator “God.” No matter how much we love someone, ideally we should not rely on them more than we rely on God as being our provider, our source of love, inspiration, and our source of endless energy. When we make something outside of us our Source, we always end up resentful and disappointed, because no one on this earth can take the place of God in your heart.

When we realize that God is our Source of everything, we don’t unhealthily entangle ourselves with other people. That means that if you lose a business deal, or a high-ticket client, it doesn’t have to affect you if you understand that God will provide you with something else. If you rely on a human being, whether it be a partner, a coach or a friend, as an emotional crutch, you are making that person more important than God, and the universe is RIGGED to knock that person off of your pedestal, whether they leave you, or your relationship becomes toxic because your relationship to that person is that you are placing them higher than your Source.

When we feel whole, and we know that God is our provider, our source of love, our source of inspiration, and we feel our already-existing completeness, our relationship to others can be about giving our love to them, not about trying to take energy from them that will never last. We can become true givers, and a true giver, someone who is not looking to take energy, validation, money, safety, or attention from someone can not be negatively affected by someone else’s energy.

So, in a nutshell, if we don’t want to be tossed around by this temporary, physical world, we must rely on God as our Source of love, happiness, and stability. On the personality level, we must be deeply at peace with ourselves. We must be at peace with who we are, the choices we’ve made, the path that our soul created for our growth, and we must have unwavering compassion for ourselves. A PERSON WHO IS AT PEACE WITH THEMSELVES CANNOT BE MANIPULATED OR CONTROLLED.

Having compassion for every version of ourselves we have been

gives us affinity of form with God- which was always unconditionally loved all beings, and when we have affinity of form with God, we become the cause in our life and not the effect.

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Alex

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One of the gifts that I received from this awakening was the ability to see beyond the veil. I could see my subconscious out-pictured. During the early mornings, I could wake up just outside of my body and see energies around my sleeping body. Sometimes they were benevolent and sometimes they were frightening. I could see what kind of energy was in my energy field when I was stuck in certain patterns.

I wanted to share what I saw beyond the veil when I was becoming aware of and breaking free from the pattern of people pleasing. The way that people pleasing played out in my life was that I would stay in unhealthy relationships and friendships for too long. I would withstand being spoken to and treated poorly, for the sake of trying to have compassion or understand the other person. Compassion for others is something that can truly only radiate from self-compassion. To extend compassion to others without giving it to yourself is a trick of the ego that keeps up repeating patterns in relationship that cause suffering.

A few years ago I was in a cabin in Georgia studying metaphysics and psycho-spiritual healing. One night I was asleep in my room and a very aggressive negative entity woke me up and literally started feeding off go the top of my head. I want to you imagine that whatever you do to yourself in the physical world, is amplified X100 in the so-called “non-physical” world. So, if you allow non-well meaning, conniving, deceitful, disrespectful people in your personal space, you also allow that to happen in your energy field in the form of entities that can drain you and make you physically ill.

When that being was attacking me, I tried to send it love and it didn’t leave me alone. When that failed, I felt a surge of personal power run through me and I intended to banish the being by saying the names of God in Hebrew, namely YHWD and Adonai. That things flew away like a bat out of hell.

I believe I was given this type of sight to help me overcome this pattern that I have had of ignoring my body’s intelligence about what is around me and using that information to make healthy choices for myself. Had I not seen the severity of what happens in our energy field, I may have repeated that pattern for a lot longer than I did.

The practical lesson here is this: Love yourself first. What I mean by love yourself is listen to your body and make choices that feel good to you. Let go of people, partners, friends, clients, and business deals that make you feel like you’d have to betray yourself in some way to be involved with them. *Here’s a practical energy tip that I learned from a woman who is a PHD in psychology and who who has been working with narcissists for 40 years: If someone in your life feels conniving, or like they are chewing on your solar plexus, it is imperative that you let them go. This can be so hard, to let go of people who we rely on, or have grown attached to, but practicing having dignity and self-respect is a much greater reward than whatever benefit we feel we receive from holding onto something that isn’t good for us.

The people that we share our intimate selves with, either as lovers, friends, or business associates, absolutely do influence how we chronically feel. Choose to have unconditional compassion for yourself first, and then choose wisely what you allow in your life.

The way that we feel about ourselves is the nucleus of what circles around us. Self-compassion is like a fortress of light that disallows any negative influence in your life. *People who are ok with themselves cannot be controlled or manipulated. It is our job to translate that self-love into decisions and behavior that reflect self-respect.

If you take one thing away from my bizarre experience let it be this: We live in a holographic universe. Every act of self-betrayal, no matter how “small” (such as continuously extending your coaching sessions past your time limit) WILL invite beings into your field that will drain you, because that is what you are doing to yourself.

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Alex

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